Common Execution Methods in the United States (and their Nicknames)
The Electric Chair, commonly known as the Eel Chair. - The pre-electric "Acoustic Chair," used from the middle ages and repopularized by hipsters and suburban moms. - The “Texas Two Stage” barbituate and sodium potassioid injection (also known as the “Mad Bad Banana Jamma”). - Firing Squad (only available in Utah), or "The Manly Way." - Hanging by the neck until death. It's called Hanging, dummy. - The Gas Chamber a.k.a. The Bung Lung - Time. - Drowning, or “the Burlap Cat Nap.” - Cannibalization (only available in Florida), or "Yum Yum, Eats 'em Up?" - Suicide (“D.I.Y.”, commonly performed in conjunction with being forced to watch mainsteam media ad nauseam, such as keeping up with the Criterion Collection.) - "Time" by american band Hootie and the Blowfish, initiates a self-destruct sequence in humans somewhere around play 4 - Cansplant: taking someone else's cancer and surgically installing it in someone else. Also makes for a fun plot device in a one act play. Just saying. - Being framed by the CIA for having stolen information or possibly having inconsequential contact with a diplomat, slowly unravelling a conspiracy that leads all the way to the top, likely getting in some sort of on-foot chase, all lasting approximately 90 minutes, but inevitably dying because real life supervillains with plots extending back decades don't explain their whole plan to you and just create an elaborate killing device. They shoot you. In the face. -Turning out the lights in a normal-sized bedroom. If being afraid of the dark doesn't immediately kill the subject, the hundreds of bruises sustained from not being able to see what they're bumping into surely will. See also: Stubbed Toe Encephalitis - Jumanji'd to Death is the most common form of execution in New Jersey, New Hampshire, and New Michigan. This involves a non-sequitur herd of wild animals stampeding through hallways or buildings, trampling those in its path. This is an effective means of execution for groups of limited speed -- children usually -- as evidenced by the Liquidation of the Munchkins at the end of the filming of The Wizard of Oz. - Startled to death has been a well-known solution since before the French Revolution, generally used on nervous or doting parents. Famous techniques include: "I'm not really santa!", "the coming-out party", "accidentally lost in a bad neighborhood", and "SURPRISE!!!!! pancakes!!!" - Breaking on the Wheel, or "The Michelan Man Plan" - Being Locked in a Cage Until Starvation Occurs, or "Nathan Lane & Robin Williams in The Birdcage (1996)" - Execution of all bactirium within and on the prisoner, resulting in death, or "Billy Mays here for Oxi-Clean!" - The Guillotine, or circumcision joke, preferrably not anti-Semetic. - Any Method on a Webcam, or "The Gruesome Spectacle of it All!" - Torture, or "Shut your Mouth, Terrorist, and Start Talkin!" - Hemlock, or "The Greek Way (But Not a Gay-Stuff Innuendo)" - Exestiental Murder, or "Forget Descartes' 'I Think Therefore I Am.' and Whether or not 'Your' Thoughts Are 'Yours', Who In The Hell Taught you 'I' Was Even a Fuckin' Thing? Chew On That, Motherfucker." - Firmly Suggested Suicide, or "You Know What to Do." They basically just take away your anti-depressants and wait. Prison without anti-depressants can be a real bummer. Closely related to the classic excution method mentioned above, Time.